Estimated reading time: 2 minutes, 50 seconds.
TODAY’S IDEA: 2 types of No
— From The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever by Michael Bungay Stanier
Have you ever heard or spoken the phrase, “I never said I was going to do that!”?
In his wonderful book The Coaching Habit, Michael Bungay Stanier says that you need to be very clear on your commitments. Asking the question ‘‘‘What exactly [am I] saying Yes to?’ brings the commitment out of the shadows.” Further, asking “‘What could being fully committed to this idea look like?’ brings things into even sharper, bolder focus.”
“But a Yes is nothing without the No that gives it boundaries and form,” continues Stanier. And he points to two different kinds of No: the No of omission and the No of commission. The No of omission is the automatic result of you saying yes: all options happening at the same time are out of the question. “Understanding this kind of No helps you understand the implications of the decision.”
The No of commission “is what you now need to say to make the Yes happen. It’s all too easy to shove another Yes into the bag of our overcommitted lives, hoping that in a Harry Potter magical sort of way it will somehow all be accommodated. This second type of No puts the spotlight on how to create the space and focus, energy and resources that you’ll need to truly do that Yes.” And for this, Stanier suggests asking the following questions in three key “P” areas (Projects, People, Patterns):
Projects
- What projects do you need to abandon or postpone?
- What meetings will you no longer attend?
- What resources do you need to divert to the Yes?
People
- What expectations do you need to manage?
- What relationships will you let wither?
Patterns
- What habits do you need to break?
- What old stories or dated ambitions do you need to update?
- What beliefs about yourself do you need to let go of?
This is fascinating because it really puts commitment into perspective before we half-heartedly say yes to something again. The bottom-line question then becomes: “What will you say No to if you’re truly saying Yes to this?”
Remember that you can always request more information to fully understand the scope of the commitment you are getting into (go back to the 3Ps). And you always have the choice to decline if the commitment is too onerous with your time or if it will take away from other commitments that take priority.
ACTION
TODAY: Facing a choice on another commitment? Has your boss, colleague, friend, or someone else asked you to get involved in some project? Or are you considering taking up a particular project? (Classes, hobbies, remodeling your kitchen, etc.) Go over the questions above to determine what you will say No to so that you can truly say Yes to the new commitment.
FUTURE: Make a habit of going over the questions above every time you are questioning your involvement in a new commitment. They will bring much clarity as to whether you can/want to do the commitment, and they will save you from the heartache of going into something that you don’t fully understand what it will take. Coming back full circle, with these questions you will avoid ever saying again “I never said I was going to do that!”
Know someone struggling with the decision whether to embark on a new commitment? Please share this post with them via email, Facebook or Twitter, thank you!