Estimated reading time: 3 minutes, 50 seconds.
TODAY’S IDEA: 3 Things all good listeners do – Part 3
— From What Got You Here Won’t Get You There: How Successful People Become Even More Successful by Marshall Goldsmith
Welcome to another installment of this oh-so-simple but profoundly changing miniseries in listening. So far, we’ve learned that all good listeners: (1) think before they speak, and (2) listen with respect.
According to Marshall Goldsmith in his brilliant book What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, the third thing all good listeners do is not so obvious, and certainly not so simple as the other two.
What is it, you ask? Well, after fully listening while in conversation, good listeners ask themselves a difficult question before they answer:
3. “Is it worth it?”
Why is it difficult? Mainly because, “while we’re supposedly [listening], we’re actually busy composing what we’re going to say next,” says Goldsmith. Instead of racing ahead formulating our answer, we should fully to listen to what the other person is saying, then think about our answer, and—before uttering our response—we should ask ourselves Is it worth it?
This “forces [us] to consider what the other person will feel after hearing [our] response. It forces [us] to play at least two moves ahead. Not many people do that.”
“Asking, ‘Is it worth it?’ engages you in thinking beyond the discussion to consider (a) how the other person regards you, (b) what the other person will do afterwards, and (c) how that person will behave the next time you talk.”
Goldsmith points out, “When someone tells us something, we have a menu of options to fashion our response. Some of our responses are smart, some are stupid. Some are on point, some miss the point. Some will encourage the other person, some will discourage [him/her]. Some will make [the person] feel appreciated, some will not.”
“Think about the last time you floated an idea in a meeting and the most senior person in the room (assuming it wasn’t you) ripped you for saying it. It doesn’t matter whether your idea was dumb and the other person’s response was brilliant—or vice versa. Just think about how you felt. Did you think more highly of the other person saying it? Did it make you appreciate anew that person’s tremendous listening skills? Did it inspire you to go back to your work with fresh enthusiasm? Did it make you more eager to speak up the next time you were in a meeting with that person? I’d wager the answers are no, no, no, and no.”
And this is precisely the consequence of responding without asking Is it worth it? “People not only think you don’t listen, but you have instigated a three-part chain of consequences: (1) they are hurt; (2) they harbor ill feelings toward the person who inflicted the hurt (i.e. they hate you); and (3) in the predictable response to negative reinforcement, they are less likely to repeat the event (i.e., they won’t speak up next time).”
This is hardly the formula for successful leadership. In the words of one of Goldsmith’s coaching clients who is the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company: “Before speaking, I take a breath and ask myself… ‘Is it worth it?’ …[Even if] what I was going to say was correct—maybe—saying it wasn’t worth it.”
Asking Is it worth it? opens up the possibility of considering many alternatives:
- Do we speak or shut up?
- Do we argue or simply say, ‘Thank you’?
- Do we add our needless two cents or bite our tongue?
- Do we rate the comments or simply acknowledge them?
While nobody can tell you what to say, particularly in a challenging situation or a tense meeting, asking Is it worth it? will give you the red light to stop, the yellow light to consider alternatives, or the green light to speak freely.
As you can see, great listeners use empathy every step of the way. By taking into account the other person’s thoughts and feelings by asking Is it worth it? you too will be engaging in a “profound consequential leap of thought,” says Goldsmith. “Suddenly you are seeing the bigger picture.”
These are the three things that all good listeners do. Come back tomorrow for the last part of this miniseries so that you can see how to tie it all together. You’ll learn a simple listening exercise to help you get stronger in this area.
See you mañana!
ACTION
TODAY: Make a point of asking Is it worth it? many times throughout your interactions today.
FUTURE: Make habit of incorporating this question as part of your listening toolkit. It’ll be worth it! 😉
Please share this post with someone who might be interested in refining his/her listening skills with this miniseries. Email, Facebook, Twitter. Thank you!