Estimated reading time: 2 minutes, 40 seconds.
TODAY’S IDEA: Compare well
— From: Habit Changers: 81 Game-Changing Mantras to Mindfully Realize Your Goals by M. J. Ryan
We’ve all heard that we should not compare ourselves to others, but it’s impossible not to do it, says, M. J. Ryan, leading expert on change and human fulfillment. “Part of what our prefrontal cortex exists to do is take in information and compare that to conclusions and judgments it has previously made.”
Comparison is a helpful skill that has helped mankind from time immemorial. The problem comes nowadays when we see our full picture, struggles and all, and compare ourselves to someone else’s highlight reel, be it on social media or somewhere else. It’s not a fair comparison: it’s not apples to apples.
“Don’t compare your beginning to someone else’s middle, or your middle to someone else’s end. Don’t compare the start of your second quarter of life to someone else’s third quarter.” ― Tim Hiller (From: Strive: Life is Short, Pursue What Matters)
Ryan says, “We look around, rank ourselves on some invisible scale of achievement and usually find ourselves wanting. There’s always someone who’s done more, made more money, gotten more glory, no matter our age and stage.” It seems like a futile exercise that only creates anxiety and despair, since we will never be as far along as other people against whom we compare ourselves.
However, since our brains are wired to compare, “what we can do about this tendency of our brain… is to be sure we compare well.”
But what exactly does that mean?
According to Ryan, comparing well means, “reminding [yourself] to orient toward the success [you] truly want. […] It will ensure you’re comparing yourself by measurements you truly value.
Ryan recalls a story of one of her clients who was complaining about not being as successful as some of her peers. Ryan taught her to compare well by asking, “What does success look like to you?” To which the client answered immediately, “Being my own boss, having the freedom to do things when and how I want.” Then Ryan asked, “So, when you compare your situation to others given those criteria, what do you notice?” And her client replied, “I’ve already got what I want! I’ve been so busy comparing myself against a yardstick I’m not even interested in that I didn’t even notice the success I’ve created.”
Going forward, since you will compare—because now we know we all do—use Ryan’s insights to compare well. Ask yourself what success looks like to you and what you notice when you compare your situation to others given those criteria. This way, when you compare, there will be no more despair and anxiety. Instead, what you’ll get is an eye-opening experience: gratitude for what you’ve accomplished, self-compassion for what you haven’t done yet, and renewed willingness and motivation to take action on your goals.
ACTION
TODAY & FUTURE: If you are going to compare, compare well. Write down the two questions: “What does success look like to you?” and “So, when you compare your situation to others given those criteria, what do you notice?” Keep them handy and get in the habit of pulling them out when you find yourself making comparisons.
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