Estimated reading time: 3 minutes, 33 seconds.
TODAY’S IDEA: One unkind word destroys years of praise
— From The Art of People: 11 Simple People Skills That Will Get You Everything You Want by Dave Kerpen
“Nicky, you’re getting lazy. You used to be our top sales guy, and now you’re barely making quota. Get your act together…” recalls Dave Kerpen, CEO of Likeable Local and author of The Art of People, of the way he chastised one of his employees in front of his peers.
(Gasp!)
As soon as Kerpen uttered those words, he says, “I realized I had made a grave mistake.” Nicky had been the top salesperson for the past two years and received ample praise from Kerpen, publicly, over that period of time. Yet, Nicky’s performance had slowed down…
“To make amends,” Kerpen says, “I privately messaged Nicky and set up a one-on-one meeting at which I walked through his history with the company, reminding him of his highlights and imploring him to return to his previously solid form. I also apologized profusely for calling him out in front of his coworkers. But it was too late, the damage had been done.”
After Kerpen’s laziness comment, things went downhill with Nicky. Kerpen goes on to recognize the devastating effects of his criticism: “Someone who had been my best, most successful salesperson ended up leaving the company. Although obviously part of that was his doing, I know how wrong I was to criticize him publicly, and I will always blame myself for Nicky’s undoing.”
The lesson here?
Never confuse criticism with feedback. When people say that they’re going to be “brutally honest,” in my experience, they are more interested in being brutal than honest. And performance feedback should only be discussed, in private, with the person or team performing, and no one else.
“Praise is powerful, contagious and totally inspirational. Criticism has exactly the opposite effect on people… especially public criticism, makes people feel embarrassed, afraid and even humiliated.” Criticism is never to be used as motivation or feedback, as it never has that desired effect.
Kerpen learned a very hard lesson, and devised this quick guide to giving feedback effectively:
1. Never give out criticism in front of other people. It never works. (It only leads to shame and fear.)
2. Instead, set up a time to have a one-on-one private discussion with the person with whom you want to share feedback.
3. Offer up a “praise sandwich”: Start with something you like about the person and/or the job he’s doing, continue with the negative feedback, and close by affirming how much you value the person and how confident you are in him.
4. Make sure to offer positive solutions to the issues at hand and get alignment on the solution of a choice.
5. Don’t dwell on the negative, and look for future opportunities to publicly praise the positive about the person as soon and as much as you can.
The bottom line? Kerpen says, “Praise, praise, praise and praise some more.” There is simply no downside to positive, authentic praise. If and when you feel the need to criticize, do it privately. Then go right back out and continue to praise.”
I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from the late Dr. Wayne Dyer: “When given the choice between being right or being kind, choose kind.” People appreciate feedback that is delivered kindly and in the spirit of truly seeking to solve an issue, helping raise performance, and elevating and enlightening everyone and everything in the process.
ACTION
TODAY: Praise a stranger, or two or three… It’s a great exercise. But say something honest, don’t make it up. After you’ve done this, you’ll snatch a big smile out of them. Then go praise someone you know for something that they’ve done well. Sometimes it’s hard to do it with people we know because we think it will feel fake, but as long as it’s honest and heartfelt, it comes across the same way; people appreciate it, and it brightens up their day.
FUTURE: Apply Kerpen’s guidelines for feedback when you need to correct something. Remember that it’s always harder to be in the receiving end of the feedback than in the giving one. Empathy and kindness go a long way, make them your best allies.
How about sharing this post with someone you know who is in a position to praise and give feedback? Email, Facebook or Twitter.