by Helena Escalante | Accountability, Goals, Habits, Mindset
TODAY’S IDEA:
Four tendencies to respond to expectations.
–From Better Than Before by Gretchen Rubin
If you’ve been taking action on the past two posts on creating a BHAG and asking the daily question to make sure you are constantly improving, it may come in handy to know that you are likely to fall into one of four tendencies as you respond to the expectations that you are setting.
Gretchen Rubin first introduced “The Fateful Tendencies We Bring Into The World” as a chapter on her great book Better Than Before, where she studied habit making and breaking. In her words:
“How does a person respond to an expectation?” When we try to form a new habit, we set an expectation for ourselves. Therefore, it’s crucial to understand how we respond to expectations. We face two kinds of expectations: outer expectations (meet work deadlines, observe traffic regulations) and inner expectations (stop napping, keep a New Year’s resolution). From my observation, just about everyone falls into one of four distinct groups.
- Upholders respond readily to both outer expectations and inner expectations.
- Questioners question all expectations, and will meet an expectation only if they believe it’s justified.
- Obligers respond readily to outer expectations, but struggle to meet inner expectations they impose on themselves.
- Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike.
[…] Our tendency colors the way we see the world and therefore has enormous consequences for our habits. Of course these are tendencies, but I’ve found to a degree that surprises me, that most people do fall squarely into one camp.”
This is fascinating because, once you know how you’ll respond to the expectations set by your goals, you will know what will trip you and what will make your habits stick.
For example, I am an obliger most of the time (curiously, Gretchen says that most people fall into this category). This means that I will not stop at fulfilling outer expectations (especially about work or commitments that I’ve made to others). But it also means that I have a hard time fulfilling or I am too lenient when it comes to me (promises/commitments to myself, the habits that I want to develop or get rid of). So what to do about this? Am I doomed?
No, thank goodness. The beauty of learning about the four tendencies is you’ll know what to do to support yourself in the weaker areas. Going back to me as an obliger, since I meet outer expectations, the best way for me to fulfill my inner expectations is to turn them into outer ones for accountability. What this means is that, for instance, if I want to exercise steadily, I need to tell a group of people or do it with a group or people. In this particular case, I have a group of friends and we all check in daily on a Facebook group to be accountable for our workouts. The result? Thanks to my group, so far this year (it’s January 28) I have worked out 26 days and missed only two. Prior to the group? It would have likely been the opposite: two workouts and 26 missed days…
ACTION
I highly encourage you to take Gretchen Rubin’s free online quiz to figure out what your tendency is when responding to expectations. Once you know, you can read a bit about your tendency and watch these short videos (upholder, obliger, questioner, rebel) that explain how to manage yourself better to set you up for success. And, of course, you can always get Gretchen’s newest book: The Four Tendencies to learn much more in depth about how you respond to expectations as well as the people that surround you.
Enjoy finding out about yourself. Leave a comment or share with me what your tendency is!
by Helena Escalante | Goals, Growth, Mindset, Planning
TODAY’S IDEA:
“There is no limit to self improvement. Ask yourself daily, ‘how can I do better?’ and sound answers will appear.”
— From The Magic of Thinking Big by David J. Schwartz, Ph.D. (Read an excerpt here.)
The old saying “there is always room for improvement” is so true. Especially with ourselves, we’re always trying to fix something, improve something, make something better (…to continue along the lines of the conversation from yesterday’s post on BHAGs.)
The main thing, according to some experts, is not to be overwhelmed by the amount of things we want to improve on ourselves. For that, it is recommended to start with one thing, say a good habit that you want to create or a bad habit that you want to get rid of, and work on it until it’s ingrained or no longer existing. Then move on to the next thing in your progression toward your goal, and so on. That way you will be taking baby steps and making steady progress toward fulfilling your big, hairy, audacious goals.
The key, I believe, is patience and perseverance. If you’re anything like me, you want everything done or accomplished by yesterday, which means today everything is in place and perfectly put together. It’s taken me much heartache to learn that you cannot rush processes at a personal level, and I’m learning (sloooooowly…) to see the beauty in the journey, not the destination.
So keep the end in mind always (your BHAG) to know where you are going, but make sure you give yourself the time and effort that your goal needs to succeed. Ask yourself daily “how can I do better?” and you will discover that your mind will show you the many ways in which you can do so. And enjoy YOUR journey!
ACTION
Put to the test the many ways in which your mind tells you to do something differently/better and find out which ones work best for you. There is no shame in testing and trying out new things or habits. Adopt what works, discard what doesn’t, and always keep doing this: you will see daily improvements and if you keep a log or journal, you’ll be able to assess your progress.
Remember to be inspired by others but not to compare yourself to them. The only person you can compare yourself to is YOU. Are you better today than yesterday? Than a month ago? Than a year ago? Than 5 or 10 years ago? If the answer is yes, keep going and keep growing. If the answer is no, besides asking the 5 WHYs, give more thought to “how can I do better” and give it your all. You always get out of it as much as you put into it.
I’m thinking of starting a Facebook group for accountability on our goals and to create a community of like-minded, professional and growth-oriented people. Is this something that you’d be interested in? Please let me know! (Thanks a lot if you have already responded.)
by Helena Escalante | Growth, Mindset, Tools
TODAY’S IDEA:
“Don’t try to impress an invisible jury of MBA professors.”
— From Anything You Want: 40 Lessons for a New Kind of Entrepreneur, by Derek Sivers.
While Derek Sivers uses this idea in terms of being casual when hiring, and it’s fantastic that way, I think it can be extrapolated to so many other areas of life and business where perfectionism creeps up.
When you are performing an action or making a decision, and you hear the voice of your lizard brain stop and think for a moment who you are doing it for. If it’s for yourself, your family, friends, customers or clients, or for a particular intention that you’ve set, that is great. But if it’s to satisfy some invisible jury, or someone’s expectation that weighs heavily on you, or some crazy reason that someone made up to keep you abiding by the etiquette manuals of the Victorian Era… think again. You may be engaging in something that you don’t want to do and, more importantly, that you don’t need to do, simply because of an unrealistic and unnecessary expectation; or your desire to impress or placate someone that simply exists in your mind. This is what Steven Pressfield calls “resistance” or what Jon Acuff means by “perfectionism.”
I know it well because I am a recovering perfectionist. As trite as it sounds, I’ve been my own worst enemy my whole life. I always lived in fear of being inadequate because I judged my work as imperfect. I’d give up at the mere thought of starting something for fear or shame of people thinking my thoughts were crazy and my work would not be good… That invisible, very harsh jury made up of PhDs in Perfection by the University of Perfectville did not exist anywhere but in my mind.
So think twice next time you are about to do something and you hear the voice of perfectionism. Jon Acuff in Finish: Give Yourself the Gift of Done suggests a great exercise to nip in the bud what he calls our “secret rules” (limiting beliefs) by asking “Says who?”
ACTION:
Next time you hear the voice of perfectionism telling you to do or not to do something ask “says who?” and answer honestly. You will see that the invisible jury of MBA professors out to get you is just your lizard brain in disguise, and you’ll get rid of the critics in your mind!
How have you dealt with perfectionism before? What has worked for you? What hasn’t? Let me know in the comments, I’d love to learn from you!
by Helena Escalante | Growth, Leadership, Mindset, Tools
TODAY’S IDEA:
“The Platinum Rule always trumps the Golden Rule.”
— From The Art of People: 11 Simple People Skills That Will Get You Everything You Want by Dave Kerpen
We all grew up being taught the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” However, it’s very likely that at some point you did something that you thought was genuinely good and it turned out to be a mess. Yikes! Welcome to the world and to the human race. What about when someone did something that they thought was great and you were not so pleased? Ugh.
What’s the lesson here? Empathy. Dave Kerpen hits the nail in the head: “Everyone is different, and the truth is that in many cases what you’d want done to you is different from what your partner, employee, customer, investor, wife, or child would want done to him or her.” In light of this, he coined the Platinum Rule: “Do unto others as they would want done to them.”
This is the proverbial walking a mile in someone else’s shoes, yet it is so important and so true. Not until we see someone else’s perspective can we understand them. We yearn to be understood and appreciated: let’s do the same for others.
ACTION:
On any given day there are things people do that aggravate us in minor or major ways; and there are always things we do that aggravate people to a certain degree. Let’s keep this wonderful quote by Stephen M.R. Covey in mind:
“We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior.”
Hmmmmm, see the difference? Next time you are aggravated, stop and think what the intention must have been—or ask if you get a chance—and you’ll see this makes an enormous difference. Likewise, when someone doesn’t like something you did, try to explain the intention behind it and you’ll likely see the situation defuse as the other person sees where you’re coming from.
Slowly but surely, the empathy muscle will start building up when you see things from this perspective. This way you’ll also be able to take a proactive look ahead and figure out what other persons’ want or need and apply The Platinum Rule.
While this is not a recipe to avoid making mistakes, when you take a more empathic and compassionate look at our fellow human beings, you’ll see that, for the most part, we are all doing the best that we can with the mental toolkit that we have at our disposal at any given moment.
What tips can you share about empathy? Let me know in the comments, I’d love to know!
by Helena Escalante | Goals, Mindset, Opportunity, Planning
TODAY’S IDEA:
“Plan for possibilities”
— From 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think by Laura Vanderkam
Whenever we are about to embark on something, it’s natural to ponder all the “what ifs” as worst-case scenarios. We are trained to look at what could possibly go wrong, which is not necessarily bad (as long as we don’t get hung up on it) because it helps us organize and plan to avoid pitfalls.
However, we rarely stop and ponder the bright side of it: “what if everything comes out well, and even better?” Laura says it’s important to plan for possibilities:
“Lots of people ponder what they’d do if things went wrong. Try to spend an equal [amount of time] pondering what you’d do if things went right. If the CEO of your company called you into her office tomorrow and said she was so impressed with your work that she wanted to put you in charge of your dream project, do you know what you would ask for? If you sat next to your dream client on a flight or a literary agent in a bar, could you toss a casual pitch over peanuts?”
Think about it. Training your mind to consider positive possibilities will lead you to see all the doors that await to be opened by you and for you.
ACTION:
Take a moment to think of something that you would love to have happen to you/a project that you are working on. What would be your ideal, dream-come-true, fluffy-unicorn, cream-cheese-frosting-and-cherries-on-top outcome? Make a list. Plan for those possibilities: what part of that can you control? Don’t focus on serendipity because you cannot count on it. Focus instead on things that you can indeed do to be remarkable and to move closer to your goals. What are they? (Writing, speaking in public, launching a project, getting a new client, branding yourself better…) Make a plan over the next month to do one of these things, and the following month another, and another… soon you will see that you are advancing towards those possibilities and that when you put your mind, heart and action to it, they are within reach.
So what wonderful possibilities are there in your future? Let me know in the comments!
by Helena Escalante | Mindset, Planning, Productivity, Willpower
TODAY’S IDEA:
When you’re dreading doing something and simply can’t find the determination, mechanical action can propel you forward.
— From The Magic of Thinking Big by David J. Schwartz, Ph.D. (Read an excerpt here.)
We’ve all been there: we’re stuck. We have to do something and we simply can’t muster the will to do it. Whether it’s waking up early, working out, writing a report, calling someone, going somewhere… something is making us dread it and we want to put it off but we can’t, so we wait to make a decision, but we can’t make a decision… and time passes by… and, at best, we feel bad with ourselves but, at worst, there may be repercussions if we don’t take action. Ugh.
So what can you do to snap out of the funk immediately? Rather than wait for inspiration to strike or willpower to show up, simply take mechanical action. Put the alarm clock far away from your bed so that you have to get up (mechanical action) to turn it off (yes, I implemented this one, and apparently I’m not the only one that thinks this is a good idea, check out this alarm clock that runs away from you!). Pick up the phone and and start dialing; start putting on your socks followed by your running shoes; turn the computer on; start writing an outline of your document or presentation in a piece of paper; get in the car and put the keys in the ignition… That movement (mechanical action), no matter how small, is the push we sometimes need to get going.
ACTION:
Today is Sunday, and the leisure of the day can help look at the circumstances where we get stuck a bit more objectively and detached than when we are right in the midst of them. So this makes it a great day to think about those things that we dread on Mondays, or that we are dreading this particular week, or dreading for a project, or ______ (fill in your particulars here). Where are you stuck or where do you normally get stuck? What’s ahead of you? What do you need to get done? What kind of mechanical action will you take? Try it and let me know in the comments, I’d love to hear how you get unstuck!
