TODAY’S IDEA:
Four tendencies to respond to expectations.
–From Better Than Before by Gretchen Rubin
If you’ve been taking action on the past two posts on creating a BHAG and asking the daily question to make sure you are constantly improving, it may come in handy to know that you are likely to fall into one of four tendencies as you respond to the expectations that you are setting.
Gretchen Rubin first introduced “The Fateful Tendencies We Bring Into The World” as a chapter on her great book Better Than Before, where she studied habit making and breaking. In her words:
“How does a person respond to an expectation?” When we try to form a new habit, we set an expectation for ourselves. Therefore, it’s crucial to understand how we respond to expectations. We face two kinds of expectations: outer expectations (meet work deadlines, observe traffic regulations) and inner expectations (stop napping, keep a New Year’s resolution). From my observation, just about everyone falls into one of four distinct groups.
- Upholders respond readily to both outer expectations and inner expectations.
- Questioners question all expectations, and will meet an expectation only if they believe it’s justified.
- Obligers respond readily to outer expectations, but struggle to meet inner expectations they impose on themselves.
- Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike.
[…] Our tendency colors the way we see the world and therefore has enormous consequences for our habits. Of course these are tendencies, but I’ve found to a degree that surprises me, that most people do fall squarely into one camp.”
This is fascinating because, once you know how you’ll respond to the expectations set by your goals, you will know what will trip you and what will make your habits stick.
For example, I am an obliger most of the time (curiously, Gretchen says that most people fall into this category). This means that I will not stop at fulfilling outer expectations (especially about work or commitments that I’ve made to others). But it also means that I have a hard time fulfilling or I am too lenient when it comes to me (promises/commitments to myself, the habits that I want to develop or get rid of). So what to do about this? Am I doomed?
No, thank goodness. The beauty of learning about the four tendencies is you’ll know what to do to support yourself in the weaker areas. Going back to me as an obliger, since I meet outer expectations, the best way for me to fulfill my inner expectations is to turn them into outer ones for accountability. What this means is that, for instance, if I want to exercise steadily, I need to tell a group of people or do it with a group or people. In this particular case, I have a group of friends and we all check in daily on a Facebook group to be accountable for our workouts. The result? Thanks to my group, so far this year (it’s January 28) I have worked out 26 days and missed only two. Prior to the group? It would have likely been the opposite: two workouts and 26 missed days…
ACTION
I highly encourage you to take Gretchen Rubin’s free online quiz to figure out what your tendency is when responding to expectations. Once you know, you can read a bit about your tendency and watch these short videos (upholder, obliger, questioner, rebel) that explain how to manage yourself better to set you up for success. And, of course, you can always get Gretchen’s newest book: The Four Tendencies to learn much more in depth about how you respond to expectations as well as the people that surround you.
Enjoy finding out about yourself. Leave a comment or share with me what your tendency is!