Estimated reading time: 3 minutes, 57 seconds.
TODAY’S IDEA: You are not your past
— From A Second Chance: For You, For Me, And For The Rest Of Us by Catherine Hoke
Spoiler alert: The ideas in this book will change your life for the better. It’s all about love, empathy, compassion, forgiveness, and a keen eye for business.
Catherine Hoke is the Founder of Defy Ventures, an “entrepreneurship, employment, and character development training program for currently and formerly incarcerated men, women, and youth.” Defy teaches character building and business to inmates so that when they are released, they can become the CEOs of their new lives and new businesses, productive members of society, and legal, role models for their families and their circles of influence.
The statistics speak for themselves: under the regular prison system, 76.6% of previously incarcerated individuals will return to prison; whereas 95% of Defy “graduates” never go back. What is Defy doing that it has lowered the rate of recidivism (return to prison) down to only 5%? This book will tell you! It’s a combination of the story of Hoke, her healing and second chance, and the wonderful work that she does along with her team at Defy to give second chances to inmates who sometimes have never truly had a legitimate first chance (some of them are locked up before the age of ten for playground fights!). Here’s a TED Talk with more details and many success stories.
As all the (true) stories in the book unfold, we—readers—are taken into a parallel journey of our own, filled with paradigm shifts and empathic reflection, because Hoke walks us through the prisons we build in our minds. “We are all behind bars—the bars of perfection, the bars of shame, of judging and being judged.” This fits me, unfortunately, like a glove, as I am a recovering perfectionist and have also beaten myself much, over and over, for a long time, for many mistakes I’ve made in business and in life.
“What would it be like if you were known only for the worst thing you have ever done? Think back to the worst decision you’ve made, the one you regret the most, the one that caused you or others the most pain. Maybe it was something criminal. Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it was emotionally or morally or spiritually wrong. Maybe it was an act of omission. What labels could people have attached to your mistake?”
You are free to cast the first stone if you have never done anything wrong, but as the book says, “Aren’t we all ex-somethings?” We’ve all made big and small mistakes… and the beautiful idea that I want to take from the book for today is “You are not your past.” Focus on yourself today and on who you are becoming. Forgiveness is for ourselves: it’s a choice and a decision we make. “When we don’t choose forgiveness we live in the past.”
Don’t tie yourself to the past. Give up the hope of a better past because it just weighs you down. Instead, level up now and work towards the hope of a better future. “Forgiveness doesn’t mean the offense was okay. […] No one is suggesting the doormat model. Forgiveness is not about inviting people to hurt you again, break your heart again, disappoint you again. You’re free to refuse to work with someone or to not engage with someone you can’t trust. But when we forgive someone, we open two doors: a door for them to improve and demonstrate that they have a contribution to make to others, and a door for us, to find a path forward.”
ACTION
TODAY: Identify where you are clinging on to the past. Whether its business or personal, where have you not let go of something you did or something that someone did to you? Ask yourself if you like living with that feeling or if you’ve just grown accustomed to it. Think for a moment: wouldn’t it be liberating to forgive? Make the choice and try it, wholeheartedly. If the choice doesn’t work out you can always come back to where you were before forgiving, but I bet it will be life changing.
FUTURE: After you’ve done the action for today, know that after you think, “I choose to forgive me/him/her/them” you may not feel warm and fuzzy and your brain will fight you back. Maybe immediately, or maybe the following day (it’s a habit that needs to be changed), but your brain will tell you all the reasons why you want to revert to a state of unforgiveness. Every time that happens, choose forgiveness. Build the new habit. And choose forgiveness again. And again. “Forgiveness is as much about the forgiver as much as the forgiven. It allows us to take our attention off the past and put it on the present and the future, where it can do some good.”
Want to learn more about Catherine Hoke, the book or Defy Ventures? Here’s a podcast with Tim Ferriss. And if you know someone who needs to forgive, please share this post with that person via email, Facebook or Twitter, thank you!