Estimated reading time: 3 minutes, 36 seconds.
TODAY’S IDEA: 3 Things all good listeners do – Part 4
— From What Got You Here Won’t Get You There: How Successful People Become Even More Successful by Marshall Goldsmith
In this miniseries, we’ve learned that good listeners (1) think before they speak, (2) listen with respect, and (3) ask “Is it worth it?” before answering. This is all incredibly simple, yet you’ll likely agree with me that it’s not easy.
Marshall Goldsmith, author of What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, says, “The only difference between us and the super-successful among us—the near-great and the great—is that the great ones do this all the time. It’s automatic for them… there’s no on and off switch for caring and empathy and showing respect. It’s always on… They treat everybody equally—and everyone eventually notices.”
“The weird part here,” Goldsmith goes on, “is that all of us, at every level of success, already know this. […] We already believe it. The question is: Why don’t we do it? Answer: We forget. We get distracted. We don’t have the mental discipline to make it automatic.”
Since the majority of this skill involves listening, and listening requires discipline, Goldsmith developed a simple exercise to test listening skills. Try it for yourself. Close your eyes and count to 50 with one simple goal: you cannot let another thought intrude into your mind; you must concentrate on keeping the count.
More than half of Goldsmith’s clients can’t do this. Around 20 or 30 other thoughts start to invade. While this seems as an exercise in concentration, it’s really a test of listening. “After all,” Goldsmith points out, “if you can’t listen to yourself (someone you presumably like and respect) as you count to 50, how will you ever be able to listen to another person?”
Just as you get limber by stretching your muscles every day, the more you do this exercise, the more you’ll be able to count to 50 without being easily distracted. “This newfound power of concentration will make you a better listener. After that, you’re ready for a test drive.” So, go make your next interaction an exercise in making the person you’re with feel like the only one in the room, whether that’s your spouse, a colleague or a total stranger.
Goldsmith has put together this list of tactics as a cheat sheet—keep it handy!
- Don’t interrupt.
- Don’t finish the other person’s sentences.
- Don’t say “I knew that.”
- Don’t even agree with the other person (even if he praises you, just say “Thank you”).
- Don’t use the words “no,” “but,” and “however.”
- Don’t be distracted. Don’t let your eyes or attention wander elsewhere while the other person is talking.
- Maintain your end of the dialogue by asking intelligent questions that (a) show you’re paying attention, (b) move the conversation forward, and (c) require the other person to talk (while you listen).
- Eliminate any striving to impress the other person with how smart or funny you are. Your only aim is to let the other person feel that he or she is accomplishing that.
If you can do all of the above, Goldsmith says that you’ll uncover a glaring paradox: “The more you subsume your desire to shine, the more you will shine in the other person’s eyes.” And that is true because by fully listening, you’ll make people feel “like a million bucks in your presence, you’ll score a bulls-eye.”
The good thing to all this is that we already know how to listen and focus. Just think of when you go on a first date, or when you’re on a sales call, or in a meeting with your boss: very likely you will be focused and interested in what the other person is saying. The key, going forward, “[is] a matter of remembering to do it all the time.”
ACTION
TODAY: Do the 50-count test and see how far you can go. Don’t be discouraged if you don’t get far (I got to 27 and started wondering where my dog was…), the more you do it the better you’ll get.
FUTURE: Keep working on the 50-count exercise. Despite how far you go on it, review the cheat sheet and determine to apply as many of the concepts as possible until, as Goldsmith says, you remember to do it all the time.
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