by Helena Escalante | Goals, Growth, Habits, Leadership, Mindset, Miniseries, Tools
Estimated reading time: 3 minutes, 50 seconds.
TODAY’S IDEA: 3 Things all good listeners do – Part 3
— From What Got You Here Won’t Get You There: How Successful People Become Even More Successful by Marshall Goldsmith
Welcome to another installment of this oh-so-simple but profoundly changing miniseries in listening. So far, we’ve learned that all good listeners: (1) think before they speak, and (2) listen with respect.
According to Marshall Goldsmith in his brilliant book What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, the third thing all good listeners do is not so obvious, and certainly not so simple as the other two.
What is it, you ask? Well, after fully listening while in conversation, good listeners ask themselves a difficult question before they answer:
3. “Is it worth it?”
Why is it difficult? Mainly because, “while we’re supposedly [listening], we’re actually busy composing what we’re going to say next,” says Goldsmith. Instead of racing ahead formulating our answer, we should fully to listen to what the other person is saying, then think about our answer, and—before uttering our response—we should ask ourselves Is it worth it?
This “forces [us] to consider what the other person will feel after hearing [our] response. It forces [us] to play at least two moves ahead. Not many people do that.”
“Asking, ‘Is it worth it?’ engages you in thinking beyond the discussion to consider (a) how the other person regards you, (b) what the other person will do afterwards, and (c) how that person will behave the next time you talk.”
Goldsmith points out, “When someone tells us something, we have a menu of options to fashion our response. Some of our responses are smart, some are stupid. Some are on point, some miss the point. Some will encourage the other person, some will discourage [him/her]. Some will make [the person] feel appreciated, some will not.”
“Think about the last time you floated an idea in a meeting and the most senior person in the room (assuming it wasn’t you) ripped you for saying it. It doesn’t matter whether your idea was dumb and the other person’s response was brilliant—or vice versa. Just think about how you felt. Did you think more highly of the other person saying it? Did it make you appreciate anew that person’s tremendous listening skills? Did it inspire you to go back to your work with fresh enthusiasm? Did it make you more eager to speak up the next time you were in a meeting with that person? I’d wager the answers are no, no, no, and no.”
And this is precisely the consequence of responding without asking Is it worth it? “People not only think you don’t listen, but you have instigated a three-part chain of consequences: (1) they are hurt; (2) they harbor ill feelings toward the person who inflicted the hurt (i.e. they hate you); and (3) in the predictable response to negative reinforcement, they are less likely to repeat the event (i.e., they won’t speak up next time).”
This is hardly the formula for successful leadership. In the words of one of Goldsmith’s coaching clients who is the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company: “Before speaking, I take a breath and ask myself… ‘Is it worth it?’ …[Even if] what I was going to say was correct—maybe—saying it wasn’t worth it.”
Asking Is it worth it? opens up the possibility of considering many alternatives:
- Do we speak or shut up?
- Do we argue or simply say, ‘Thank you’?
- Do we add our needless two cents or bite our tongue?
- Do we rate the comments or simply acknowledge them?
While nobody can tell you what to say, particularly in a challenging situation or a tense meeting, asking Is it worth it? will give you the red light to stop, the yellow light to consider alternatives, or the green light to speak freely.
As you can see, great listeners use empathy every step of the way. By taking into account the other person’s thoughts and feelings by asking Is it worth it? you too will be engaging in a “profound consequential leap of thought,” says Goldsmith. “Suddenly you are seeing the bigger picture.”
These are the three things that all good listeners do. Come back tomorrow for the last part of this miniseries so that you can see how to tie it all together. You’ll learn a simple listening exercise to help you get stronger in this area.
See you mañana!
ACTION
TODAY: Make a point of asking Is it worth it? many times throughout your interactions today.
FUTURE: Make habit of incorporating this question as part of your listening toolkit. It’ll be worth it! 😉
Please share this post with someone who might be interested in refining his/her listening skills with this miniseries. Email, Facebook, Twitter. Thank you!
by Helena Escalante | Goals, Growth, Habits, Leadership, Mindset, Miniseries, Tools
Estimated reading time: 3 minutes, 17 seconds.
TODAY’S IDEA: 3 Things all good listeners do – Part 2
— From What Got You Here Won’t Get You There: How Successful People Become Even More Successful by Marshall Goldsmith
Yesterday we learned how important it is to think before we speak. Today we will focus on the second thing that good listeners do:
2. Listen with respect.
“To learn from people, you have to listen to them with respect,” says Marshall Goldsmith, author of What Got You Here Won’t Get You There.
Sounds too simple? It’s easier said than done. Think about this common scenario: “You’re reading a book, watching TV, or shuffling papers while your significant other is talking to you. Suddenly you hear, ‘You’re not listening to me.’ You look up and say, ‘Yes, I am.’ And calmly provide a verbatim playback of everything said to prove that you were listening and that your companion in life is … wrong.”
Goldsmith goes on to ask, “What have you accomplished by this virtuosic display of your multitasking skills? Was it smart? No. Does your partner think more highly of you? Not likely. Is anyone impressed? Hardly. The only thing going through your partner’s mind is, ‘Gee, I thought you weren’t listening. But now I realize it’s a much deeper issue. You’re a complete jerk.’ ”
Fortunately, in this case, there’s love, understanding, patience and forgiveness (I hope) in your relationship. But, what about at the office or anywhere else? What is your reaction when your boss, a colleague, or the clerk at the DMV continue to type and keep looking at their computer when you are in front of them asking or telling them something? And they don’t even bother to look at you while they say, ‘I’m listening, I’m listening,’ as they keep typing away…
Nobody likes that.
“This is what happens when we listen without showing respect,” says Goldsmith. As you can see it is much more frequent than we think it is. “It’s not enough to keep our ears open; we have to demonstrate that we are totally engaged.”
So, let’s now turn this back on us: how many times have we done this?
…Oops!
The saying goes that we judge others by their actions but we judge ourselves by our intentions. Clearly, our intention was never to be disrespectful: maybe we thought we could multitask by working on an urgent report while listening to our colleague… Yet the outward manifestation of that intention was plain rudeness towards our colleague, since he/she had no clue about our intention.
Having the right intention is not enough when listening to our loved ones or anyone else. We must convey with our attitude, behavior, and body language how important the other person is for us at that moment. And if we cannot devote attention to them right then, we should let them know—respectfully—and then go back to what we were doing.
Leaders everywhere know how to listen respectfully, actively and intentionally. They make you feel as if you are the only person in the room. Their eyes are locked on you and their body language says that they care about what you are saying.
“The ability to make a person feel that, when you’re with that person he or she is the most important (and the only) person in the room is the skill that separates the great from the near-great.”
Stay tuned for tomorrow’s Part 3: you will learn the one question that changes the whole conversation and its consequences.
ACTION
TODAY: Practice listening with respect. Give your full attention to the other person. Don’t be formulating your response before he/she ends speaking. If you need a brief pause once the person is done speaking (and it feels too awkward to keep quiet), simply say, “give me a second, please, I’m thinking about what you said,” and then organize your ideas and respond.
FUTURE: Practice listening with respect. Practice, practice, practice, until the habit is ingrained.
Please share this post with someone who might be interested in refining his/her listening skills with this miniseries. Email, Facebook, Twitter. Thank you!
by Helena Escalante | Accountability, Collaboration, Creativity, Goals, Growth, Mindset, Opportunity, Tools
Estimated reading time: 3 minutes, 30 seconds.
TODAY’S IDEA: Success leaves clues
— From The Success Principles™: How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be by Jack Canfield
On this blog post, I mentioned that I was a big believer in the success leaves clues principle. A few of you asked me to talk more about that, and I am happy to do it.
The idea comes from Jack Canfield’s awesome book The Success Principles, and the premise is simple yet powerful:
“One of the great things about living in today’s world of abundance and opportunity is that almost everything you want to do has already been done by someone else,” says Canfield. “It doesn’t matter whether it’s losing weight, running a marathon, starting a business, becoming financially independent, triumphing over breast cancer, or hosting the perfect dinner party—someone has already done it and left clues in the form of books, manuals, audio and video programs, university classes, online courses, seminars and workshops.”
For virtually anything you want to do, there are plenty of books, courses, and many other resources on how to do it at your disposal. (Canfield put together this comprehensive list about books and audio programs on a variety of topics). There are also mentors, teachers, advisors, counselors, coaches, consultants and a host of other professionals and subject-matter experts who can lend a hand.
Canfield offers three ways to begin to seek out success clues in the area in which you are interested:
- Seek out a teacher, coach, mentor; a manual, book, audio program, or an Internet resource to help you achieve one of your major goals.
- Seek out someone who has already done what you want to do, and ask the person if you can interview him or her on how you should proceed.
- Ask someone if you can shadow them for a day and watch them work. Or offer to be a volunteer, assistant, or intern for someone you can learn from.
Canfield recalls a time when he was in conversation with a makeup artist whose dream was to open up a beauty salon. He suggested putting into practice No. 2 above: to take out a salon owner to lunch and ask how she had opened her own salon. To Canfield’s surprise, the makeup artist exclaimed, “You can do that?”
The answer is YES, by all means, you can certainly do that. 🙂 Yet I bet that at this point you are rejecting the idea with thoughts such as, Why would someone take the time to tell me what they did? Why would they teach me and create their own competition? To which Canfield responds, “Banish those thoughts. You will find that most people love to talk about how they built their business or accomplished their goals.”
And if you ask and the answer is no, don’t take it personally. No may simply mean that it’s a busy time and they may be willing to do it in the future. Ask and find out if you may contact them again at a better time. If not, simply move on and ask someone else.
A great exercise to overcome our fear and hesitation to do this to turn the experience around: imagine that someone who is looking at accomplishing what you have done comes to ask for your help. I’m sure you’d feel flattered and would at least accept a 10-15 minute call, if not a nice lunch, or a tour of your business or facility, right? It’s exactly the same the other way around. There’s plenty of goodwill, you just have to look for the clues and ask.
ACTION
TODAY: Start gathering success clues about what you’d like to do. Get a book, watch a video, listen to an audio program, or get a hold of some helpful resource. Also, make a list of people with whom you’d like to connect and ask for information. Reach out to them.
FUTURE: Adopt this success leaves clues principle as part of your repertoire of resources. You will never be at a loss for helpful information or guidance ever again knowing that you can always learn and follow in the footsteps of someone who has done what you want to accomplish.
Know someone who could benefit from learning that success leaves clues? Please share this post via email, Facebook or Twitter, thanks!
by Helena Escalante | Accountability, Goals, Growth, Habits, Mindset, Planning, Resolutions
Estimated reading time: 3 minutes, 20 seconds.
TODAY’S IDEA: Success is predictable
— From No Excuses!: The Power of Self-Discipline by Brian Tracy
I am a big believer in the “success leaves clues” principle: whatever success means to you, there is someone who, very likely, has already achieved that which you want. And this is a wonderful thing, not only because it proves that it can be done, but also because, by virtue of this person leaving “clues,” you can follow his/her footsteps and achieve your goals.
Success, any way you define it, sometimes seems elusive and unpredictable though. That is, until now. In his great book, No Excuses!, business guru Brian Tracy says that success is indeed predictable: “Success is not an accident. Sadly, failure is not an accident either. You succeed when you do what other successful people do, over and over, until these behaviors become a habit. Likewise, you fail if you don’t do what successful people do.”
Tracy goes on to say that when you are not working “deliberately, consciously, and continuously to do, be, and have those things that constitute success for you,” you default to the path of least resistance, or to the expediency path. Neither of these two paths will lead to success, instead, they will lead to cutting corners and getting things done just to get them out of the way, but not to put in the work to do them right necessarily.
In the book, there’s a quote by H. L. Hunt, who was at some point the richest man in the world. He was asked what the secrets of his success were, to which he replied:
“There are only three requirements for success. First, decide exactly what it is you want in life. Second, determine the price that you are going to have to pay to get the things you want. And third, and this is most important, resolve to pay the price.”
Everyone wants to be successful. And one of the most important requirements is the willingness to pay the price, “whatever it is and for as long as it takes, until they achieve the results they desire,” says Tracy. “But most people are not willing to pay the price. Occasionally, they may be willing to pay part of the price, but they are not willing to pay the whole price.”
At this point you are probably wondering what the price of success is. Tracy answers, “It’s simple: Look around you. There it is! You can always tell how much of the price of success you have paid by looking at your current lifestyle and your bank account.”
One of the prices that we must pay is that of learning all we can, from the experts, so that we can follow in their footsteps before venturing out on our own. Another price to pay is the ongoing nature of our mental and physical fitness: “Achieving success is like achieving physical fitness. It is like bathing, brushing your teeth, and eating. It is something that you need to do continuously, every day. Once you begin, you never stop until your life and career are over and you have achieved all the success you desire.”
Please tell me in the comments here what other prices come to mind!
ACTION
TODAY: Determine what success looks like to you. Then determine who has achieved what you want and start following in that person’s footsteps. Has this person written a book? Or does he/she have a blog? Do they have a seminar or webinar, or an e-course? Can you write to them for an informational interview or advice?
FUTURE: Once you have determined what success looks like to you, make a plan to implement the steps that can get you there. What is the price that you will have to pay? Think, of course, in terms of money, but also in terms of time, opportunity cost, etc. It’s important to know (or at least to have an estimate up front as to what it will take) and to commit. Determine your willingness to do so and move forward.
Please share this post with someone who is doing things right and enjoying the price of success! Email, Facebook, Twitter.
by Helena Escalante | Accountability, Goals, Growth, Habits, Leadership, Mindset, Miniseries, Planning, Tools, Wellbeing
Links to other parts of the miniseries:
5 truths about attitudes
7 Axioms to understand the impact of attitude
8 Choices to change an attitude – Part 1
Estimated reading time: 3 minutes, 24 seconds.
TODAY’S IDEA: 8 Choices to change an attitude – Part 2
— From Attitude 101: What Every Leader Needs to Know by John C. Maxwell
In this last part of the attitude miniseries, John C. Maxwell continues to share his choices for changing an attitude that no longer serves us. The key, as Maxwell states in Attitude 101, is to realize that, “Who we are today is the result of choices we made yesterday. Tomorrow we will become what we choose today. To change means to choose to change.”
With that in mind, let’s take a look at the remaining five choices to change an attitude (here are the previous three choices):
Choice 4: Have the desire to change. “No choice will determine the success of your attitude change more than desiring to change. When all else fails, desire alone can keep you heading in the right direction. […] People can change, and that is the greatest motivation of all.”
Choice 5: Live one day at a time. “Any person can fight the battle for just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities, yesterday and tomorrow, that we tremble. It is not the experiences of today that drive people to distraction; it is the remorse or bitterness for something that happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us therefore live but one day at a time—today!”
Choice 6: Change your thought patterns. “That which holds our attention determines our actions. We are where we are because of the dominating thoughts that occupy our minds. […] Our feelings come from our thoughts, therefore we can change them by changing our thought patterns. Our thought life, not our circumstances, determines our happiness.”
Choice 7: Develop good habits. “An attitude is nothing more than a habit of thought. The process of developing habits—good or bad—is the same. It is easy to form the habit of succeeding as it is to succumb to the habit of failure. Habits aren’t instincts; they’re acquired actions or reactions. They don’t just happen, they’re caused. Once the original cause of a habit is determined, it is within your power to accept or reject it.”
Choice 8: Continually choose to have a right attitude. “Once you make the choice to possess a good attitude, the work has only just begun. After that comes a life of continually deciding to grow and maintaining the right outlook. Attitudes have a tendency to revert back to their original patterns if they are not carefully guarded and cultivated.” To avoid reverting, Maxwell notes that there are three stages of change we must be aware of, and when they present themselves, we can deliberately choose the right attitude:
- Early Stage: “The first few days are always the most difficult. Old habits are hard to break. You must continually be on guard mentally to take the right action.”
- Middle Stage: “The moment good habits begin to take root. […] During this stage new habits will form that can be good or bad… the more right choices and habits you develop, the more likely other good habits will be formed.”
- Later Stage: “Complacency is the enemy… don’t let down your guard until the change is complete. And even then, be vigilant and make sure you don’t fall into old negative habits.”
I’ll leave you with one last quote from Maxwell that aptly summarizes everything that we’ve been learning about attitude:
“You are the only one who can determine what you will think and how you will act. And that means you can make your attitude what you want it to be.”
ACTION
TODAY: Yesterday you took time to think about an attitude that you want to change. Go through the remaining five choices above and determine to adopt them. Make a plan for implementing them so that you can create a new attitude that will help guide you on your way to success.
FUTURE: Keep coming back to this list of choices anytime you want to change an attitude that is no longer helpful in your quest for success. Find an accountability buddy and start choosing to implement change.
Please share this whole miniseries with someone who might be interested! Email, Facebook, Twitter.
by Helena Escalante | Accountability, Goals, Growth, Habits, Leadership, Mindset, Miniseries, Planning, Tools, Wellbeing
Links to other parts of the miniseries:
5 truths about attitudes
7 Axioms to understand the impact of attitude
8 Choices to change an attitude – Part 2
Estimated reading time: 3 minutes, 37 seconds.
TODAY’S IDEA: 8 Choices to change an attitude – Part 1
— From Attitude 101: What Every Leader Needs to Know by John C. Maxwell
Two days ago we learned the importance of a good attitude in everything we do, and yesterday we learned the impact that attitude has for us and for the people that surround us. So far so good. But what happens when we ourselves have an attitude that we want to change or lead someone who has a bad attitude?
Continuing with this attitude miniseries, John C. Maxwell, in his book Attitude 101, answers this question for us by saying, “Attitude is not permanent. If you’re not happy with yours, know that you can change. If someone you lead has a bad attitude, then you can help them to change—but only if they truly want to change. Anyone can become the kind of positive person for whom life is a joy and every day is filled with potential if they genuinely desire to.”
Cool! So how do we do this?
Maxwell goes on, “We are either the masters or the victims of our attitudes. It is a matter of personal choice. Who we are today is the result of choices we made yesterday. Tomorrow we will become what we choose today. To change means to choose to change.”
With choice being the key, Maxwell offers the following eight choices to have a great attitude:
Choice 1: Evaluate your present attitude. This process will, naturally, take some time. The main idea is to separate yourself from your attitude: “The goal of this exercise is not to see the ‘bad you’ but a ‘bad attitude’ that keeps you from being a more fulfilled person.” This is the same as being aware when you have a cold that you are not a cold. Only when you identify the problem can you then cure it and, for that purpose, Maxwell gives us the following points as guidance:
- Identify problem feelings: “What attitudes make you feel the most negative about yourself?”
- Identify problem behavior: “What attitudes cause you the most problems when dealing with others?”
- Identify problem thinking: “We are the sum of our thoughts… What thoughts consistently control your mind?”
- Secure commitment: “The choice to change is the one decision that must be made, and only you [or the person willing to change] can make it.”
- Plan and carry out your choice: “Act on your decision immediately and repeatedly.”
Choice 2: Realize that faith is stronger than fear. “The only thing that will guarantee the success of a difficult or doubtful undertaking is faith from the beginning that you can do it. […] Change depends on your frame of mind. Believe that you can change. Ask your friends and colleagues to encourage you at every opportunity. And if you are a person of faith, as for God’s help.”
Choice 3: Write a statement of purpose. “In order to have fun and direction in changing your attitude, you must establish a clearly stated goal. This goal should be as specific as possible, written out and signed, with a time frame attached to it. The purpose statement should be placed in a visible spot where you see it several times a day to give you reinforcement.” To attain your goal you must do these three things:
- Write specifically what you desire to accomplish each day. What are the obstacles your must overcome? What resources will you need?
- Verbalize to an encouraging friend what you want to accomplish each day. “Belief is inward conviction and faith is outward action.” Your accountability buddy should both encourage you and keep you on track.
- Take action on your goal each day. “The difference between a wise man and a foolish one is his response to what he already knows: A wise man follows up on what he hears, while a foolish man knows but does not act. To change you must take action.”
Please come back tomorrow to read the rest of the choices, you don’t want to miss Maxwell’s insights!
ACTION
TODAY: Make some time to think about an attitude that you want to change. Remember that choice is key. Are you truly willing to change? Then start putting into practice these three choices.
FUTURE: Come back tomorrow to read the rest of the choices! You’ll learn where feelings come from, how to change them, and the link between habits and attitudes, among other things.
Please share this post with your encouraging friend from Choice 3! Email, Facebook, Twitter.
