by Helena Escalante | Growth, Habits, Leadership, Planning, Tools
Estimated reading time: 2 minutes, 50 seconds.
TODAY’S IDEA: The 4 Rs of listening
— From Who’s Got Your Back: The Breakthrough Program to Build Deep, Trusting Relationships That Create Success–and Won’t Let You Fail by Keith Ferrazzi
In Who’s Got Your Back, Keith Ferrazzi highlights the importance of listening to be able to fully understand and help. He refers to the 4 Rs of listening by Dr. Mark Goulston, which are four different ways in which we listen to others:
Removed: “The kind of listening you do when you’re actually engaged in something else, like using your [smartphone]. You may parrot back what I’ve said, but you weren’t really paying attention.”
Reactive: “You are being somewhat more attentive. If I ask a question you reply with a straightforward answer. You’ve heard me, but you weren’t really mulling over what I’ve said.”
Responsible: “Takes place when you not only react to what I’ve said but reply with a further action or elaboration. This is the basis of all good conversation.”
Receptive: “This is the deepest form of listening. With this kind of listening you’re empathizing fully with what I have to say and feeling what I am feeling. This is the level of listening we all want to achieve [when we need help from others].” (Read Active Listening.)
“Only by listening carefully can you hope to achieve transformational change.”
There is a time and a place for each way of listening, we just have to figure out which one pairs up best with the occasion we’re in.
For instance, if I’m waiting at the Doctor’s office and I want to answer a few emails while I wait, I should plan and focus on removed listening. That way if, suddenly, I start paying attention to the TV on the wall, I can bring my mind back to my email before the nurse calls my name to go in, if not, I’ll have wasted my time and no emails will be answered. Or, if I’m in a meeting and I want to listen responsibly, when it turns out to be death-by-powerpoint (very funny video) and I’m tempted to make my to-do list for the weekend pretending I’m taking notes, I can go back to paying attention and asking intelligent questions as I had planned initially.
ACTION
TODAY: Think of the best way to listen according to the situation. If you are waiting in line for your turn to be called, it’s perfectly fine to be removed and playing with your phone or answering email, since all you need to do is be attentive to hearing “neeeeext” from the clerk at the window for you to walk up. But this is not how you want to listen when your best friend needs advice; you need to be completely present and receptive. As you are going about your day into each different activity, figure out the way you’ll listen; and if you catch yourself deviating from it, simply take your attention back to the appropriate R for the occasion.
FUTURE: I learned a while back that it’s important to set an overall intention before going into a meeting, an event, etc., that way you stay focused on the goal. Let’s take that same practice a step further and also set a listening intention so that we can bring our best selves to the occasion, and let our ears and minds be where they need to be for the best possible outcome.
Know someone who needs better listening habits? Please share this post with them via email, Facebook or Twitter, thank you!
by Helena Escalante | Goals, Growth, Leadership, Mindset, Opportunity, Time, Tools
Estimated reading time: 2 minutes, 59 seconds.
TODAY’S IDEA: Age excusitis Part 2 – “I’m too young”
— From The Magic of Thinking Big by David J. Schwartz, Ph.D. (Read an excerpt here.)
Yesterday we looked at the “I’m too old” variety of age excusitis. Today we’re looking at the other side: “the ‘I’m too young’ variety of age excusitis does much damage too. Youth is a liability only when the youth thinks it is. You often hear that certain jobs require ‘considerable’ physical maturity… That you’ve got to have either gray hair or no hair at all… is plain nonsense.” While it’s true that insecure people try to block younger folks’ career paths using age as an excuse, true leadership will give young people as much responsibility as they think they can handle.
To cure youth against age excusitis, Schwartz gives three recommendations:
- “Don’t be age conscious.” Your number of birthdays doesn’t matter, what counts is your ability to get the job done. “When you prove you are able to handle the job… you’re automatically old enough.”
- “Don’t take advantage of your new ‘gold bars’… show respect [for the other people around you, regardless of their age]. Ask them for their suggestions. Make them feel they are working for a team captain, not a dictator. Do this and [people] will work with you, not against you.
- “Get used to having older persons working for you [and alongside you].” More and more leaders are very young nowadays, be comfortable with that thought. If you don’t think this is true, simply take a look at all the 30 under 30 and the 40 under 40 lists and awards in all business categories, you’ll be blown away.
“Remember: your age won’t be a handicap unless you make it one.”
ACTION
TODAY: Do you suffer from this variety of age excusitis in any area of your life? Are you holding yourself back because you think you’re too young? Whoever offered you the job or extended the opportunity thought that you were old enough and capable enough to do so, otherwise they wouldn’t have done it. Honor their belief in you and your skills. Be aware when this excuse pops up in your mind and then ask why 5 times (or as many as needed) to get to the bottom of it. Once you know what is making you create an excuse (Fear of failure? Fear of success? Dig deep!), you’ll be able to realize that age doesn’t matter and you can move forward and create the change you want. Promise yourself that you won’t let age hold you back!
FUTURE: When age excusitis pops up in your head, or when you hear it from someone else, simply be aware and empathetic, as we all go through this once in a while. Look forward to new horizons; invest time in doing what you really want to do. Remember what Schwartz said: “It’s [too early] only when you let your mind go negative and think it’s [too early].” No matter what, believe in yourself. As Tama Kieves (renowned author and speaker) says, “Opportunities do not come to fill a lack. They come as an expression of a fullness you already have… If you want to attract opportunities to you, use the ones you have.”
By the way, if you are in New York City on April 19 (6-7:30 PM) you are invited to see the wonderful Tama Kieves at the Business Library (New York Public Library) talking about her latest book Thriving Through Uncertainty: Moving beyond fear of the unknown and making change work for you. It’s free. Reserve your spot.
And if you know someone who needs to be cured of age excusitis, please forward this post via email, Facebook or Twitter, thank you!
by Helena Escalante | Goals, Growth, Leadership, Mindset, Opportunity, Time, Tools
Estimated reading time: 3 minutes, 55 seconds.
TODAY’S IDEA: Age excusitis Part 1 – I’m too old
— From The Magic of Thinking Big by David J. Schwartz, Ph.D. (Read an excerpt here.)
No matter where we are in life, at some point we are going to suffer from age excusitis or hear someone else complain about it. If we’re the ones that use age as an excuse not to do something, it sounds perfectly logical to us… yet if we hear it from someone else, we immediately know that it is simply a masquerade for fear or unwillingness, and most of the time it comes to our utter astonishment that the other person sees him/herself that way because it’s not how we see them. Hmmmmm, why can’t we see it for what it is? What can we do about this malady?
“It’s unfortunate. This excuse has closed the door of real opportunity to thousands of individuals. They think their age is wrong, so they don’t even bother to try.” Luckily, David J. Schwartz, the author of The Magic of Thinking Big, says, “Age excusitis can be cured… I discovered a good serum that both cures this disease and vaccinates you so you won’t get it in the first place.”
He tells the story of Cecil, who wanted to change careers. Cecil said, “I’d have to start from scratch. And I’m too old for that now. I’m forty.” Schwartz told him “you’re only as old as you feel,” to no avail, as sometimes there are people who respond “but I do feel old!” So, Schwartz asked him, “Cecil, when does a man’s productive life begin?” Cecil said at about 20 years old. Then Schwartz asked when it ended, to which Cecil replied at about 70. Schwartz said, “a lot of folks are highly productive after they reach seventy, but let’s agree with what you’ve just said… You’re forty. How many years of productive life have you spent and how many have you left?” It was only then that Cecil understood he still had over half of his productive years ahead of him and realized that “how old we are is not important. It’s one’s attitude toward age that makes it a blessing or a barricade.”
“Curing yourself of age excusitis often opens doors to opportunities that you thought were locked tight.”
Schwartz tells another story of a relative of his who wanted to become a minister, but was 45 years old, had three kids and little money. Fortunately, “he mustered all of his strength and told himself, ‘Forty-five or not, I’m going to be a minister.” Five years later he was ordained and many years after that he said to Schwartz, “if I had not made that great decision when I was forty-five, I would have spent the rest of my life growing old and bitter. Now I feel every bit as young as I did twenty-five years ago.”
“When you [get rid of] age excusitis, the natural result is to gain the optimism of youth and feel of youth. When you beat down your fears of age limitations, you add years to your life as well as success. […] Defeat [‘too old’] by refusing to let it hold you back.”
ACTION
TODAY: Do you suffer from “too old” age excusitis in any area of your life? It is not necessarily tied to business life. Maybe you are ok there but feel, say, that you’re too old to take on a new sport, class, or hobby. Simply be aware of this excuse and ask why 5 times (or as many as needed) to get to the bottom of it. Once you know what is making you create an excuse, you’ll be able to realize that age doesn’t matter and you can move forward and create the change you want. Promise yourself that you won’t let age hold you back!
FUTURE: When age excusitis pops up in your head, or when you hear it from someone else, simply be aware and empathetic, as we all go through this once in a while. Look forward to new horizons, invest time in doing what you really want to do and apply Schwartz’s mindset: “It’s too late only when you let your mind go negative and think it’s too late.” Think instead, “I’m going to start now, my best years are ahead of me.” Remember that you are not your past and that you can create a wonderful path forward by giving yourself an A.
Have you ever dealt with age excusitis? How did you defeat it? Want to share your experience? I’m sure it’ll benefit us all! Please leave a comment or let me know via email. And if you know someone who needs to be cured of age excusitis, please forward this post via email, Facebook or Twitter, thank you!
by Helena Escalante | Growth, Habits, Leadership, Marketing, Mindset, Tools
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes, 5 seconds.
TODAY’S IDEA: Persuasion
— From The One Sentence Persuasion Course: 27 Words to Make the World Do Your Bidding by Blair Warren (you can read the short original document published in 2005 here)
In this short but powerful ebook, Blair Warren boils down the concept of persuasion to its most basic principles that go hand-in-hand with some basic human needs. And he encapsulates them in one sentence. “Not a sentence that one delivers, but a sentence that one remembers. A sentence that can help guide your efforts from beginning to end in virtually every situation imaginable.”
And what is that sentence?!
“People will do anything for those who encourage their dreams, justify their failures, allay their fears, confirm their suspicions and help them throw rocks at their enemies.”
Let’s take a quick look at these basic principles, “they are the tools for anyone who must connect with others and, more importantly, make these connections pay off.”
On encouraging their dreams…
“Parents often discourage their children’s dreams “for their own good” and attempt to steer them toward more “reasonable” goals. And children often accept this as normal until others come along who believe in them and encourage their dreams. When this happens, who do you think has more power? Parents or strangers?”
On justifying their failures…
“While millions cheer Dr. Phil as he tells people to accept responsibility for their mistakes, millions more are looking for someone to take the responsibility off their shoulders. To tell them that they are not responsible for their lot in life. And while accepting responsibility is essential for gaining control of one’s own life, assuring others they are not responsible is essential for gaining influence over theirs. One need look no further than politics to see this powerful game played at its best.”
On allaying their fears…
“When we are afraid, it is almost impossible to concentrate on anything else. And while everyone knows this, what do we do when someone else is afraid and we need to get their attention? That’s right. We tell them not to be afraid and expect that to do the trick. Does it work? Hardly. And yet we don’t seem to notice. We go on as if we’d solved the problem and the person before us fades further away. But there are those who do realize this and pay special attention to our fears. They do not tell us not to be afraid. They work with us until our fear subsides. They present evidence. They offer support. They tell us stories. But they do not tell us how to feel and expect us to feel that way. When you are afraid, which type of person do you prefer to be with?”
On confirming their suspicions…
“One of our favorite things to say is ‘I knew it.’ There is just nothing quite like having our suspicions confirmed. When another person confirms something that we suspect, we not only feel a surge of superiority, we feel attracted to the one who helped make that surge come about. […] It is a simple thing to confirm the suspicions of those who are desperate to believe them.”
On helping them throw rocks at their enemies…
“Nothing bonds like having a common enemy. I realize how ugly this sounds and yet it is true just the same. Those who understand this can utilize this. Those who don’t understand it, or worse, understand but refuse to address it, are throwing away one of the most effective ways of connecting with others. No matter what you may think of this, rest assured that people have enemies. All people. It has been said that everyone you meet is engaged in a great struggle. The thing they are struggling with is their enemy. Whether it is another individual, a group, an illness, a setback, a rival philosophy… when one is engaged in a struggle, one is looking for others to join him. Those who do become more than friends. They become partners.”
Lastly, in all of this information, did you notice there is something missing? YOU! “There isn’t a word about your wants, your needs, your hopes or your concerns. There isn’t a word about your offer or proposal. There isn’t a word about what you think. It is all about the other person… Can you even imagine how much more charismatic you will become when you come to be seen as the one who can fulfill some of their most basic emotional needs?”
ACTION
TODAY & FUTURE: Just as the sentence is simple, the action for today or the future is very simple too (yet not necessarily easy): whenever you need to prepare a document, a presentation, a campaign, sell a product, promote your business or your brand, or do any activity that requires persuading others, utilize one or more of the angles that the author mentions. Print the sentence and keep it handy so that you can reference it and use it often.
Do you want to persuade someone to read this blog? (Hint, hint!) Please encourage their dreams of professional growth and share with them via email, Facebook or Twitter, thank you!
by Helena Escalante | Growth, Habits, Leadership, Mindset, Resources, Tools
Estimated reading time: 2 minutes, 37 seconds.
TODAY’S IDEA: Whose business is this?
— From: Habit Changers: 81 Game-Changing Mantras to Mindfully Realize Your Goals by M. J. Ryan
We’ve all been in situations where colleagues or teammates are not doing their fair share of the work that has been assigned to them. Regardless of the reason for this, we’ve ended up doing their work. In the business world, especially, sometimes we fall into the trap of believing that it’s easier for us to do the work than to delegate it; or that that it will take less time and hassle for us to do the work than to train others. In both scenarios, we end up with more on our plate than we can truly handle.
“Do you often find yourself feeling responsible for other people’s behavior? Do you try to control other people’s reactions at work or at home? Have you found yourself rescuing others by doing their work for them? Making others look more responsible? Seem more approachable? Sound more reasonable?” If you have done any of this, don’t feel bad, we’ve all done it. We operate out of good will to steer things towards the best possible outcome, yet we need to let others pull their weight and we should not take the experience away from them.
M.J. Ryan, the author of Habit Changers suggests setting boundaries by asking the question, “Whose business is this?” and then figuring out the answer with Byron Katie’s method. Katie says, “There are three types of ‘business’ in the world: God’s [or nature’s] (floods, earthquakes and other random acts of nature, yours (you and your response to what life presents to you), and theirs (what is the other person’s to handle and respond to).”
Ryan further says that this simple question serves to set and clarify expectations, as it is useful in any relationship where we are deeply involved, such as when her daughter was a teenager. Asking, “Whose business is this?” helped remind Ryan that “[she] could support her [daughter], and [Ryan could] care deeply, but her [daughter’s] business [was] hers to sort out.”
So, if asking this question helps set boundaries for parents with teenagers, it will definitely do wonders for other business and life situations where life can get equally passionate and intense.
ACTION
TODAY & FUTURE: Keep this simple question handy in your mind. Ask, “Whose business is it?” when tempted to take over any situation and do the work for your loved ones, your colleagues or your teammates. The answer will give you the clarity that you need to respond to the situation in the best way possible, whether taking charge if it’s your business, or letting someone else do it if it’s their business.
Know someone who is always rescuing others and could benefit from applying today’s idea? Please share this post with that person via email, Facebook or Twitter, thank you!
P.S. I’m delighted to announce that I’m the next guest in the Creative on Purpose broadcast. Please join me next week, on April 12, 2018, at 12:00 pm EST (GMT -4) via Facebook Live. We’ll have fun talking about lifelong learning, expanding our minds, how to always keep growing and the importance of challenging ourselves continuously. Looking forward to seeing you there!
by Helena Escalante | Accountability, Collaboration, Goals, Growth, Habits, Leadership, Mindset, Tools
Estimated reading time: 3 minutes, 16 seconds.
TODAY’S IDEA: Believe
— From Extreme Ownership: How U.S. Navy SEALs Lead and Win by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin
The U.S. Navy SEALs are back, yay! In their fabulous book, Extreme Ownership, SEALs Jocko Willink and Leif Babin state that knowing the reasons why, understanding and, most importantly, believing in the ultimate goal, is the absolute basis for a team to work well together.
It begins with the leadership, but it must permeate to all levels of the team or organization. “In order to convince and inspire others to follow and accomplish a mission, a leader must be a true believer in the mission.” This resolute belief, the authors state, “is far more important than training or equipment. […] Actions and words reflect belief with a clear confidence and self-assuredness that is not possible when belief is in doubt.”
But what to do when belief is in doubt? It all boils down to one simple question: WHY? “Leaders must take a step back, deconstruct the situation, analyze the strategic picture and then come to a conclusion. If they cannot determine a satisfactory answer themselves, they must ask questions up the chain of command until they understand why.” When you don’t understand why your company established that new sales policy, ask why. When your client is giving you a particular instruction or a change in scope and path, ask why. When your favorite non-profit asks you to change your volunteer tasks, ask why. Leadership in this instance is wide and varied, and has nothing to do with rank.
At the same time, it is also important for you as a leader “to take the time to explain and answer the questions of [your] junior leaders so that they too can understand and believe… [you must] explain not just what to do, but why.” And also, goes without saying, but you must continually emphasize that you are open and accessible for your team members to further ask questions on their quest to understanding why and believing.
The authors share a case where many managers did not understand a new policy implemented by the CEO, and didn’t ask for clarification for fear of looking stupid (despite them all agreeing that the CEO was smart, experienced and not unreasonable). “People talk about leadership requiring courage. This is exactly one of those situations. It takes courage to go to the CEO’s office, knock on the door, and explain that you don’t understand the strategy behind the decisions. You might feel stupid. But you will feel far worse trying to explain to your team a mission or strategy that you don’t understand or believe in yourself. […] If you don’t ask these questions, you are failing as a leader and you are failing your team.”
And it goes both ways. It is the responsibility of the leaders to ensure that the team understands and believes; yet since leaders are not mind readers, the team members are also responsible for asking for clarification until they fully understand and believe too.
ACTION
TODAY: Where are you unclear about a directive? Who do you need to ask in order to understand and believe in the project or mission? Go ask why today, you’ll be glad you did! Conversely, if you recently started a project, who do you need to make sure is on board with you? Ask them if they need further clarification to fully believe in what you are doing.
FUTURE: I’ve found that Ask Me Anything (AMA) sessions at the beginning and end of a project—as well as throughout—are a wonderful source of information (above and beyond one-on-one sessions with team members). How can you make use of such sessions, that you can run in any scenario (from your family on the living room couch, to your teammates at work, to a group of volunteers at your favorite nonprofit, to your company’s Board members at the quarterly meeting) to make sure that everyone fully understands why, and thus is truly on board and believing in the mission?
Know someone who needs to believe? Please share this post with that person via email, Facebook or Twitter, thank you!
