Estimated reading time: 2 minutes, 50 seconds.
TODAY’S IDEA: The 4 Rs of listening
— From Who’s Got Your Back: The Breakthrough Program to Build Deep, Trusting Relationships That Create Success–and Won’t Let You Fail by Keith Ferrazzi
In Who’s Got Your Back, Keith Ferrazzi highlights the importance of listening to be able to fully understand and help. He refers to the 4 Rs of listening by Dr. Mark Goulston, which are four different ways in which we listen to others:
Removed: “The kind of listening you do when you’re actually engaged in something else, like using your [smartphone]. You may parrot back what I’ve said, but you weren’t really paying attention.”
Reactive: “You are being somewhat more attentive. If I ask a question you reply with a straightforward answer. You’ve heard me, but you weren’t really mulling over what I’ve said.”
Responsible: “Takes place when you not only react to what I’ve said but reply with a further action or elaboration. This is the basis of all good conversation.”
Receptive: “This is the deepest form of listening. With this kind of listening you’re empathizing fully with what I have to say and feeling what I am feeling. This is the level of listening we all want to achieve [when we need help from others].” (Read Active Listening.)
“Only by listening carefully can you hope to achieve transformational change.”
There is a time and a place for each way of listening, we just have to figure out which one pairs up best with the occasion we’re in.
For instance, if I’m waiting at the Doctor’s office and I want to answer a few emails while I wait, I should plan and focus on removed listening. That way if, suddenly, I start paying attention to the TV on the wall, I can bring my mind back to my email before the nurse calls my name to go in, if not, I’ll have wasted my time and no emails will be answered. Or, if I’m in a meeting and I want to listen responsibly, when it turns out to be death-by-powerpoint (very funny video) and I’m tempted to make my to-do list for the weekend pretending I’m taking notes, I can go back to paying attention and asking intelligent questions as I had planned initially.
ACTION
TODAY: Think of the best way to listen according to the situation. If you are waiting in line for your turn to be called, it’s perfectly fine to be removed and playing with your phone or answering email, since all you need to do is be attentive to hearing “neeeeext” from the clerk at the window for you to walk up. But this is not how you want to listen when your best friend needs advice; you need to be completely present and receptive. As you are going about your day into each different activity, figure out the way you’ll listen; and if you catch yourself deviating from it, simply take your attention back to the appropriate R for the occasion.
FUTURE: I learned a while back that it’s important to set an overall intention before going into a meeting, an event, etc., that way you stay focused on the goal. Let’s take that same practice a step further and also set a listening intention so that we can bring our best selves to the occasion, and let our ears and minds be where they need to be for the best possible outcome.
Know someone who needs better listening habits? Please share this post with them via email, Facebook or Twitter, thank you!